As we strive to achieve the perfect mum status we beat ourselves up when we feel we fall short and use the phrase mum guilt. **SPOILER** There is no perfect mum, it’s a myth! We are not superheroes who can do everything incredibly well all at the same time.
As a mum a term we hear a lot and use a lot is mum guilt. Guilt, worry, anxiousness, fear, doubt, uncertainty…all big features of the guilt we feel that we just don’t measure up to either the picture of motherhood we have in our own heads, or the picture painted by outside forces.
When I was pregnant I didn’t think I would fall victim to it…but of course I did and at times it has made me feel absolutely awful.
* Hearing him cry in the night but leave it longer before going in
* Leaving him at nursery when he is crying
* When Rich gets up in the night instead of me
* Going to work when he is poorly
* Enjoying the peace and quiet when I’m home alone
* Having to do a bit of tough love with food
* Realising he has probably had more screen time than he should in a day
* Eczema is flaring and I can’t do anything more to help
* He is not walking yet – it must be something I’m not doing to help him
* I’m not teaching him enough
* I raised my voice
* He spends most of his week at his grandparents/nursery
These are just some of the things I have felt the mum guilt about – and many of them unnecessarily, so I say BANISH the guilt! We have enough to think about without having to feel unnecessary guilt. Every mum’s experience of motherhood is different, and every mum’s view of motherhood is different.
Below are some of the areas which over the past 15 months I have felt the most mum guilt over but they are also the areas where I feel I have made the most progress to overcome it and rationalise it.
Networks We build up a network of mum friends either from NCT, baby groups, existing friends, friends of friends etc and we are very good at supporting each other, building each other up and sharing some great top tips but your network can also be a cause of stress as whether we mean to or not we compare ourselves and our babies – STOP trust your gut and your mum instinct and remember all babies are different, regardless of how close in age they are. You will do what is right for you, your circumstances, your budget and your family.
Work The majority of mums will go back to work after a period of maternity leave – some through choice and some through necessity. I’ve found going back to work really tough as it has taken me so long to find my mojo again. I have spoken to lots of people who have felt that they feel they have the worst of both worlds as they feel they aren’t doing either job at full capacity – their professional job or motherhood and I can completely relate to that. But we need to stop bashing ourselves for this, life is different going back to work, we are a different person as we have created a little person! It will take time to learn how to cope in both worlds but enjoy the fact that you can have a cup of coffee while it is still hot and not have to change a nappy for the best part of a day, the work mojo will return. As for the feeling of guilt about going to work I need to remember that Jake will grow up knowing that his mummy and daddy work hard to provide the life that we have and in the evenings and weekends we have special family time together.
Mindset The biggest thing that affects mum guilt in my opinion is mindset. It feels as though we are pre-programmed to second guess ourselves and think that everyone else is doing it better or coping better than we are. The truth is it is all an illusion! We let people see what we want them to see. We had a lot of visitors in the first few weeks after Jake was born and most of the time I would make sure I had freshly washed hair and some make up on as I didn’t want people to think that I looked rough and therefore wasn’t coping – how ridiculous is that?! I had just had a baby, of course I was going to look tired! Once I started to believe in my ability to keep my small human alive and happy I started to care less about what other people thought and it made me feel so much better. Of course the doubts creep in every now and again but it’s far less than they used to.
Nursery/Child care This is a huge source of mum guilt for so many people but it really shouldn’t be! I felt awful that going back to work 4 days a week meant that for a large part of the week Jake would be cared for by people other than me. I spent time visiting different nurseries and making sure that I was 100% happy with where he would be going and I sorted it months before he would need to start but I still felt like the worst mum in the world when I left him and he cried for me. Truth is he stops crying pretty much as soon as I’ve gone out of the door and is back to his happy and content self. I need to remember that nursery provides far more learning opportunities for Jake than I can provide for him at home, he interacts with different adults and children of his age so it is brilliant for his development. For the other two days of the week he is with his grandparents who love him, give him lots of attention and he is happy there.
Me time It becomes easy to forget about yourself when you are all consumed with getting to know your new baby and working out how they work. I was lucky to have people around me who remembered me in those first few weeks and asked me how I was doing and coping and it meant so much. We are still the same person we were before becoming a mum, just more tired! I used to feel bad for wanting some time away from Jake - to go and have a haircut, wander round the shops, have a nap! We shouldn’t feel guilty for this as we need to check in with ourselves and have some time to re-charge. If we don’t look after ourselves then we will struggle to look after the tiny person who depends on us. As mums we make up an important piece of the family jigsaw so ‘me time’ is not being selfish it’s being smart.
I don’t think the thoughts of mum guilt will ever disappear, but I am learning how to silence them and see through them.
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