Relationships have highs and lows, laughter and disagreements, smiles and tears but a good relationship fights through it with love and trust in each other.
Rich and I have been together for just over 13 years. We met in 2006, we were 19 and in our second year of University.
We had no idea that 13 years later we would be married, have a mortgage and a beautiful baby boy!
We have grown up together, supported each other through low and difficult times and celebrated the high and sparkly times.
These are the 13 lessons I have learnt.
Friendships
Separate friendship groups are just as important as having friends in common. Rich and I met through one of my best friends at uni (who is still one of my best friends today) so as a result we were part of the same large friendship group during our time together at uni.
We were lucky that this never caused a problem as everything was very easy. When uni ended ‘real life’ began when we decided to live together, and I moved to Essex from Hertfordshire.
Rich had a big group of male friends and I found it difficult until I started to form a girl group of my own. Having separate groups and socialising separately (as well as together – we get on very well with each other’s friends!) has been one of the things which has been very important to us. We give each other freedom and have the trust in each other.
Humour
Being able to laugh at each other and poke fun at each other is important. It helps to keep us grounded and not get too big for our boots. Rich still needs to work on his timing though…!
Family values
I knew from fairly early on in our relationship that Rich had a strong sense of family values. His family have big family parties every year, we had only been together about 6 months when I went to my first one and it made me fall in love with him even more.
Watching Rich with his family made me see how important they were to him and how important he was to them. Strong family values was a trait which was so important to me to have in a partner and seeing them so strongly in Rich made me love him even more.
Physical changes
It’s safe to say that Rich and I do not look the same that we did when we were 19! We have more wrinkles, more greys and a bit more weight than back in 2006!
However Rich is one of those annoying males like Brad Pitt and David Beckham who just seems to get hotter the older he gets! I have struggled with how I look over the years and I have definitely struggled since having Jake and getting used to a post-baby body. I worry that Rich will miss the way I looked in the early days but every time I have a wobble (both emotionally and physically!) he tells me I am being ridiculous and reassures me – he’s a good egg!
Support
We have gone from being teenagers to adults. We have gained our degrees together and supported each other through building our careers. I have had two very difficult career changes and a threat of redundancy, so Rich has had to be more supportive to me than the other way around! I have been in some very low and very dark places career wise, but Rich has been there for me every step of the way and helped to bring me back into the light. He has been my voice of reason, helped me to think logically and strategically and backed every decision that I have made.
Money
Money is always going to be a hot topic of conversation and something I think we will always have to keep a close eye on. Rich and I have always had our own bank accounts and then a joint account which we both pay in to to cover the mortgage, bills and other outgoings that we have. We have saved jointly for holidays, our wedding and other big purchases we have made. It’s not always been smooth sailing and maternity leave (a.k.a. the peanuts you get paid as maternity pay) has definitely hit us hard! We sit together and work out our incomings, outgoings and where we need to change and cut back. Some conversations are tough, but we are in it together.
Decisions
We have had to make a crazy amount of decisions over the past 13 years. Big decisions about where to live, when to get married, when to have a baby down to the smaller decisions about what shade of grey paint to use, what takeaway to get and what film to watch on Netflix. Many of the decision I tend to push hard for what I want! Rich is fairly easy going and will only push back if he really disagrees with something. We find that each coming up with pros and cons usually helps if we are loggerheads! But after being together for so long we tend to have very similar outlooks on situations anyway so we are very lucky.
Jobs
Pink jobs and blue jobs – yes this could be seen as fairly sexist but we have fallen into traditional roles at home. I will do most of the cooking, cleaning and tidying and Rich will sort the garden, sort out the cars and take the bins out but it works for us! We didn’t have a conversation when we moved in with each other about who dies what, we just fell into doing what worked to keep our house and life running.
Acceptance
Neither of us are perfect! I have a strong need for things to be tidy and organised and I can quite happily spend a fortune on home décor and interiors if let loose, Rich loves to leave his clothes all over the spare room despite the laundry basket being in there and does not have a strong need for things to be tidy and organised! Neither of us have tried to change each other or mould the other into someone else, I have given up trying to get him to put his dirty laundry in the basket each night! We accept each other for who we are.
Food
I saw a great meme the other week saying “Marriage: Asking each other what you want for dinner every day until you die” This is so accurate! Our daily WhatsApp conversation is mainly about what to eat that night and arguing about who needs to make the final decision!
Most of our daily conversations and life admin happen through WhatsApp now! I'm not sure how this has happened or if we are the only couple who do this...! We both have jobs where we can use our phones during the day so we just end up sorting things through messaging as we think of them, instead of waiting until we get home in the evening.
A good thing about doing this is that we have evidence of what we have said haha!!
Space
Giving each other space and quiet time is so important. We have never been a couple who lives in each others pockets and for us it has always worked. We give each other time and space to have hobbies, friendships and a life outside of our relationship. We know if the other is stressed or hacked off about something and when to let them cool down before sorting it out...most of the time!
Chilled evenings
Our evenings at home are generally very chilled. During the week we cook dinner, watch some TV, chat and go to bed! At the weekend if we are both in we will add a glass of something alcoholic into the mix, maybe play a game or watch a film. Since Jake came along we are far more chilled in the evenings and it's really nice. We don't need to fill the evenings with full on conversations or do things every night, we are happy to just be with each other...sometimes in silence especially after a full on day at work or being with Jake!
So these are my 13 lessons. All relationships are different and what works for one couple doesn't work for another. Our relationship is not perfect, but it's perfectly good for us.
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