Jack of all trades, master of none - that's how I feel a lot of the time.
I work as a researcher for a local university, I'm still relatively low down in the pecking order as I began this career fairly late at age 29 after two fairly big career changes. It has taken me a long time to find a path that feels completely right, and I started at the bottom, learning how to do my role properly before moving up. However, in order to move up the pay scale I need to be studying for a PhD.
I started my PhD back in January 2017, 9 months after starting in my role. I am very fortunate to have my employer cover the cost of my fees, as it is considered as part of CPD (continuing professional development) and I have been able to choose my area of study and research focus.
For those who aren't aware, studying for a PhD usually takes around 4 years full time and 6 years part time. You are required to complete extensive original research to contribute new knowledge to your field of study, write a thesis of around 80,000 words and then defend it in a viva (oral exam) at the end...just a small task...! As I am in paid work, my route is the part time route.
80,000 words...contribute new knowledge...sound intelligent...a daunting task to anyone
80,000 words...contribute new knowledge...sound intelligent...a daunting task to anyone, let alone someone who has been on maternity leave for the best part of a year and hardly picked up a pen! I enjoy writing and I enjoy research so it should have all come flooding back but it's taking far more time than I expected it to.
Before having Jake I would work on my PhD some evenings and some weekends. Since going back to work I have found this difficult to do as I am knackered in the evening and then want to spend my time with Jake at the weekend. I try to get as much of my day to day work done Tuesday-Thursday and save Friday's to work on my PhD and this is starting to work fairly well. Jake is at nursery, so I have the head space and quiet space at home to concentrate on it.
It is not easy though! Tasks which have built up over the week at work take priority and it is easy to get distracted at home...oh I'll just put that pile of washing away...I need to unload the dishwasher...I will give the living room a quick hoover...I’ll just quickly sort out Jake's wardrobe...I am the procrastination queen!!
I am lucky that the skills needed to complete a PhD are all the skills I need in my job so what I learn in both I can apply to both. I am also surrounded by some very intelligent and supportive colleagues who have all completed their PhDs and some have also had babies while doing it - so in theory I should have no problem...except my problem is myself.
One of the main reasons I started this blog was to re-gain my writing confidence as I've lost my way. I thought that if I could put my thoughts down on paper in a way that made sense and was engaging then it would help me to get back into academic writing too and push me on in my PhD. I of course need to write academically at work too, but I feel there is less pressure from a work perspective as I am always part of a team where we work together to complete projects and associated writing. The PhD is all down to me.
Having a baby changes you in many ways, but one of the ways I wasn't expecting it to change me was with regards to my self-confidence and self-belief.
As a new mum you constantly question your abilities and if you are doing the right thing. Some days just getting to the end of the day with everyone alive and well felt like an achievement! I thought that going back to work and back to my study would be different, but it seems that some of the doubt has crept in. After a long conversation with my PhD supervisor I have now realised it is all about mindset and positive talk. I need to change my rhetoric and begin to tell myself that I am capable, I can do it and I have got the skills to take me through.
I will possibly never feel fully in control of everything at once and I need to make peace with the fact that some days will be tougher than others and i am going to feel like an exhausted pigeon 99% of the time! I think it is a bit like the spinning plates scenario – I need to keep them all spinning, it is okay for some to wobble and not spin perfectly all the time, but I need to make sure they don’t fall and smash! Organisation is the key, I need to plan out clearly what work is happening when and set clear deadlines to work to in order to keep focused.
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